I worshiped my husband. I adored him. I loved him so deeply. I even liked him when no one else did. I believed (nearly) everything he said and did. Every ridiculous story. I believed him. All the chaos and craziness that followed him around – I always took his side. How dare they!
I loved him.
And one day he sent me a text that said he was not coming home. And just like that my perfect little world…. began to unravel.
Okay it was not perfect. We argued all the time. We didn’t have anything in common. But we loved each other so deeply. We felt – or maybe it was just me who felt – each others pain, each others energy, we’d text or call each other at the same time, we could finish each others sentences, I always knew (or thought I knew) what he was thinking…. and he always knew when I was hiding something from him.
He loved me with all his manly might. He was charming, romantic, respectful, handsome, polite, funny, clever, smart, soooo intelligent it made me feel intimidated, he cooked like a dream, and he made all of my dreams come true – every day.
But he was also a living nightmare to be with. Unpredictable, volatile, violent, screaming, yelling, out of control, controlling, exacting, critical, rage-aholic, alcoholic, drugs and other women. And yet he will deny ALL of that.
He’s so convincing about his innocence in every circumstance. He’s always the victim and never the perpetrator. He never does anything wrong. The rest of the world has it wrong!
I’m no picnic to live with either and he pushed buttons that I didn’t even know I had. But in spite of all of this, all the ups and downs…. I defended him, I stayed with him when all my friends and family abandoned me over my “insane” choice to marry him, and I fought for him and for us to stay together – endlessly. Until that day he sent the text…. he’s not coming home? I panicked. What was wrong? What did I do? Is he sick? Is he hiding something? Is there another woman? Did he get fired? Does he feel like a failure – if so let me fix it…. I went into fix it mode…. and then I saw that he didn’t need rescuing, and if there are other women I only saw one 2 years ago…. and if he was sick he’s hiding it well…
oh no, he’s just tired of PRETENDING to love me.
He never loved me.
He never even liked me.
I gave him ALL of me and I loved him in spite of his demons and addictions and the disrespect. I allowed him to walk all over me like a doormat.
This painful realization came to me over the weeks that we’ve been apart – almost 6 weeks at the time of this writing. The restraining order that I went before a Judge to get – I was awarded that for the next six months so that he and I can calm down and stay away from each other.
Slowly the broken heart began to break wider and harder with each day and night. The anger inside me has grown as well. How could he leave me?
Wasn’t I good enough to love?
Why didn’t he love me enough to fight for me?
I ache for him. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I everything him.
How could he leave me……..
life is messy. hearts break. bills still have to be paid. i have to pull a magic act to get by and not starve to death and keep my mortgage paid. so i threw myself into the deep end of a business that will thrive and is thriving already but i feel like a fraud pretending to be happy and to have it all together when inside I.AM.FUCKING.DYING.OF.THE.PAIN.
when do we stop being frauds and start revealing our true selves and expect people to want to be in business with us?
i don’t know. but i received wise advice from a young coach tonight.
GET FUCKING ANGRY and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!
i have to go through this so i might as well feel every jab of the knife that he is twisting in my back. not that i want to – and i pray for protection – but the emotional pain is excruciating. if he meant to torment and torture me – i hope he knows that he has succeeded.
PAIN knows no boundaries but neither does EMPOWERMENT. someday soon i will rise up and take back my power and use my PAIN TO POWER and help save myself and then save other women in the same situation.
right now, i just want the pain to stop.